


Darth Dyngus

by Chicky_Doodle_Soup



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Crack, Dyngus Day, F/M, Fluff and Crack, Hux curls up in a tiny ball of darkness, Kylo tells the story of their visit to a Polish pub, Kylux - Freeform, M/M, Mitaka recreates flashdance, Pussy willows, Silly Randomness, Squirt Guns
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-07
Updated: 2018-03-07
Packaged: 2019-03-28 01:19:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 808
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13893219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chicky_Doodle_Soup/pseuds/Chicky_Doodle_Soup
Summary: Dyngus Day is a wacky Polish holiday that falls the day after Easter. Girls get pussy willow branches, guys get water pistols, and you spray and tap each other while getting drunk to polka music. Inspired by the amazing authors of Hot Rocks, and the beautiful insanity that is Kylux.





	Darth Dyngus

Kylo wasn’t really sure how calendars worked in space. There weren’t growing seasons or harvests, and winter just happened to be the temperature of the planet you landed on to hack through a crowd of rebels searching for a droid. But still, he needed to know if it was spring. There were…reasons. 

“Ren. CEASE tapping me with that infernal reed.” chided Hux from the other end of the console. 

Kylo caught himself about to place another tap on the general’s hat and put on a smarmy grin that under no circumstance should have been compared to his father’s roguish smile - at least if this particular console was to survive another day. 

“But my orange tartlet, don’t you remember what this is?” 

“It’s a twig you picked up on some backwater planet weeks ago and I swear if you tap me one more time with it, I will shove it so far up your ass –“ 

“Go on.” 

The general waved a dismissive hand and returned to his paperwork. 

Not to be deterred, Kylo stood up and stretched, casually surveying the system the Finalizer was currently parked in. He swished the branch from side to side making a whooshing sound as the small puffy buds zipped through the air. And then, without a moments hesitation, he turned, tickling the Generals ear with one of the small tufts conveniently sprouting from the end of the branch. 

“EEEEGAHHHHH?! DAMMIT REN!” Hux pulled up his collar and scrunched into a tiny ball of defense, guarding against further assault. “What do you want?!”

Taking pity on his perfect persimmon, Kylo put the reed down and wrapped his arms around the armadillo shell of his general and placed him on his lap. 

“Is it spring?” he whispered into the ball of darkness. 

“What?” came a muffled reply from inside the wool coat. 

“On that tiny planet we stopped off on. The one where we got drunk and you insisted your dick was thicker than the sausage they served.”

“And then you pulled it out to show them I was right….” Came a tiny, shameful reply. 

“Yes. And then we were kicked out when I showed them it tasted better too.”

“Mmf. Please never remind me of this again.” Came Hux’s voice, somehow even deeper in the folds of fabric. 

Kylo snuggled him tighter. “On that planet, they told us about the seasons. How when spring came, the locals all gather these fluffy branches, and tap each other to show their affection. And their partners return the affection with water pistols.” 

“And then they all play that terrible music on accordions.” Hux commented peeking out over the collar of his coat. “I’ll never escape those sounds Ren.” 

“But my marigold, I kept the reeds they gave us when we departed, and I tended to them each day with fresh nutrient packs, and do you know? They sprouted! And if they are fluffy, then could it be spring?”

Hux tentatively emerged from his balled up state, smoothing his lapel, and then taking to fidgeting with Ren’s collar. 

“Well, I suppose it is about the right time for it. My houseplants are due for rotation, and Millicent is in need of her yearly shave.” 

“Then, this calls for a celebration, don't you think, my orange creamsicle?” Kylo asked, pulling the general tighter to him. 

“Oh, you’ll be the creamsicle tonight once I get ahold of that switch.” Responded Hux, cradling his dark knight’s face, as he shifted to straddle Ren’s lap. 

“Hmmmm” Kylo purred into Hux’s grasp. “What was that holiday called. We should share it with the others….”

Just then, the doorway flew open as Mitaka ran into the room.

“You’ll never catch me Captain!” he yelled as Phasma appeared in the doorway and fired upon him with an uncharacteristic blaster and a crown of flowers on her helmet. 

Mitaka took the blast to the chest, and dramatically collapsed onto a nearby chair. 

“KRIFF. Mitaka are you okay?!” she exclaimed running to his side. 

Mitaka remained motionless until Phasma was just within reach, at which point, he produced a branch of his own and tapped her helmet with a tiny “ding ding” sound. 

“Submit your branch for inspection Lieutenant!” came her booming voice from behind the mask.

“You’ll have to catch me first my shining goddess!” he exclaimed as he scurried dripping wet out of the room with Phasma following right behind, water pistol in hand. 

Kylo and Hux blinked from their shadowy corner of the room. 

“Dyngus.” Said Kylo. 

“I beg your pardon?” replied Hux. 

“The holiday. It was called Dyngus Day. I just remembered.” 

They sat in silence a moment more and then Hux reached into his coat, and produced a small water pistol pointed at Kylo’s heart. 

“Happy Dyngus Day Ben.” He hissed. 

“Bring it on Armitage.” Kylo replied, grabbing his pussywillow branch.


End file.
